31st Anniversary

My wife and I celebrate our 31st wedding anniversary today. As the years go by I feel more and more that Joan is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I fell hard for her at the age of 21 in the summer of 1976. She was more reserved about me at first, but somehow the magic of love infected her too. We were married on August 6, 1977 in the big Catholic Church of St. John Vianney in Hacienda Heights, California.

There is no substitute in life for having one person who is always in your corner, no matter what, as we are for each other. I believe that complete intimacy with another is one of the primal and spiritual motivations common to humankind. When I say intimacy I mean of course not only physical but emotional, aesthetic and intellectual as well.

It is just plain fun to share humor together, go on trips, see movies, talk about books, friends, the kids, neighbors, current events, feelings--you name it, without having to be on guard playing the dating game. We made a compact early on that the marriage would last, that whatever problems came up we would work through and solve. That foundation has served us well.

As much as we enjoy each other's company, we've also found we have a lot of independent interests. Joan conducts a handbell group. I attend political meetings. She likes movies with lots of dancing in them. I was an avid golfer for many years. It has been a very good practice to give each other space to pursue these other interests. I think a couple needs time apart as well as time together.

But we also make time to enjoy some of each other's interests together, too. We have season tickets to the symphony, for instance. That's a special interest of hers. Sometimes I like the music and sometimes not, but I go because it is something she enjoys so much. She does the same for me in attending a few baseball games. You can't have it all your own way in a marriage without poisoning the well. In fact, I find that listening and helping meet her needs makes me feel better too.

Tolerance is very important, too. I put up with some habits of hers that I find mildly irksome. I know she puts up with more from me. Is something really important enough to make an issue of? If we reserve those instances to a very few we are both happy to try to remedy the annoying behaviors. It pays off in trust and mutual respect, and we want to make the other happy. It's best not to look at it as a contest over who gets their way. That's a prescription for real trouble.

It saddens me to think of all the broken marriages, the families split up, the frequent ill feelings engendered, the dreams disappointed. I feel very grateful for what we have and wish the same for everyone. There is nothing in my life that has made me feel so fulfilled and complete, and I feel that if we all truly loved and felt loved a great many of society's problems would simply melt away.

If I could give any advice it would be to follow the golden rule in your marriage or other close relationship. It could turn out to be the best and most rewarding thing you ever do.